Late last night I went for a very very long walk around my farm. Beneath a full moon, I stopped by an old old hollow totara tree then sat down to think and get my head cleared of what has been happening in both my life and that of my families' of late. Crisis to crisis seems to have going on. My Mum has been ill the entire winter. I have had my own health battles, along with having to deal with a lot of other stuff going on that has been beyond the norm. I realised as I sat beneath that tree shivering from the cold - I had literally hit the wall.
The Friday before last, along with the entire week it seemed, had been a complete disaster. The publication I edit had to be completely redone. After 12 hours straight at a computer redoing an entire 40 pages I was so shattered - I completely lost track of all reality. I've been that way for over 12 days. Where the hell have I been? I should have recognised what I call an Autistic Cycle. I haven't had one in over three years. But this one has been particuarly bad - it started off at the beginning of winter and has worsened over that time. Lisa rang me on that Friday night as I was heading down with the last of the publication to get printed. I said I'd ring her back. I've only just remembered I said I would at 4 a.m. this morning. Of all the people I love Lisa has been my closest friend. She knows me well enough. But this? I might as well have gone off to another damned planet. Lisa I owe you a phone call and a huge apology. That will be happening TODAY.
So what exactly do I mean by an Autistic Cycle? For me it is going inside myself when things have become for too much for me to cope with - and in the process people I love and care about get shut out while I go wandering off - that sucks. I have Aspergers - even though I have over come a vast majority of it. Like or not I have it - and at times I hate it. Well this is one of those times. Is it an excuse? Absolutely not. I let it get the better of me. My brain went for a very very long journey somewhere off the path that we call getting on with life. What was left behind was an automaton going and doing things around the farm, eating dinner, looking after family,dealing with crisis and having to shoulder a load they shouldn't be shouldering. So my mind went into overload. I haven't slept properly for weeks. I keep waking up with all kinds of strange, wierd and wonderful things going on inside my imagination. Result...a big zero for living life and a big thumbs down to myself for letting this nonsense get in my way. It's far too easy to shut myself into my mind and my imagination. I didn't even realise the CD I had in the stereo was the same album that had been playing day in day out for over a week. I'm emotionally and mentally shattered - by both circumstances and by my own doing. Time to stop this meandering away from what I know I should be doing and get back onto the tracks of life. That's fine if I was in a comic book. I can be a drawing and fly all over the pages - but I'm not a 2D existence I'm a living breathing intelligent person - who right now hasn't been true to herself.
I should know better than to allow things like this Autistic Cycle to get the better of me. Normally I have the coping mechanisms in place - this time it seemed there were just too many things at once to cope with so I had a meltdown. To use this as an excuse is not acceptable - taking responsibility for myself is. I know I need to write more to share what it is like to exist in a surreal world that one should not be in to begin with. Time to step out of that Dali painting and get back to what matters. I have to do that today - there are no more excuses I don't have any to make. And to those who read this - I'm glad you have. And I'm glad I've been honest with myself and recognised something I should have stopped many months back. Instead I allowed it to get the better of me and my life. Not again - because I won't allow it to happen.
Related Links to this post:
From Amy "Do I have Asperger's?"
From Amy "Do I have Asperger's?"