2009-09-07

Notes from the Land of Gonzo - Existence in Negative Space


Dealing with the person that is me - my 'Autistic Cycle'


Late last night I went for a very very long walk around my farm. Beneath a full moon, I stopped by an old old hollow totara tree then sat down to think and get my head cleared of what has been happening in both my life and that of my families' of late. Crisis to crisis seems to have going on. My Mum has been ill the entire winter. I have had my own health battles, along with having to deal with a lot of other stuff going on that has been beyond the norm. I realised as I sat beneath that tree shivering from the cold - I had literally hit the wall.


The Friday before last, along with the entire week it seemed, had been a complete disaster. The publication I edit had to be completely redone. After 12 hours straight at a computer redoing an entire 40 pages I was so shattered - I completely lost track of all reality. I've been that way for over 12 days. Where the hell have I been? I should have recognised what I call an Autistic Cycle. I haven't had one in over three years. But this one has been particuarly bad - it started off at the beginning of winter and has worsened over that time. Lisa rang me on that Friday night as I was heading down with the last of the publication to get printed. I said I'd ring her back. I've only just remembered I said I would at 4 a.m. this morning. Of all the people I love Lisa has been my closest friend. She knows me well enough. But this? I might as well have gone off to another damned planet. Lisa I owe you a phone call and a huge apology. That will be happening TODAY.


So what exactly do I mean by an Autistic Cycle? For me it is going inside myself when things have become for too much for me to cope with - and in the process people I love and care about get shut out while I go wandering off - that sucks. I have Aspergers - even though I have over come a vast majority of it. Like or not I have it - and at times I hate it. Well this is one of those times. Is it an excuse? Absolutely not. I let it get the better of me. My brain went for a very very long journey somewhere off the path that we call getting on with life. What was left behind was an automaton going and doing things around the farm, eating dinner, looking after family,dealing with crisis and having to shoulder a load they shouldn't be shouldering. So my mind went into overload. I haven't slept properly for weeks. I keep waking up with all kinds of strange, wierd and wonderful things going on inside my imagination. Result...a big zero for living life and a big thumbs down to myself for letting this nonsense get in my way. It's far too easy to shut myself into my mind and my imagination. I didn't even realise the CD I had in the stereo was the same album that had been playing day in day out for over a week. I'm emotionally and mentally shattered - by both circumstances and by my own doing. Time to stop this meandering away from what I know I should be doing and get back onto the tracks of life. That's fine if I was in a comic book. I can be a drawing and fly all over the pages - but I'm not a 2D existence I'm a living breathing intelligent person - who right now hasn't been true to herself.


I should know better than to allow things like this Autistic Cycle to get the better of me. Normally I have the coping mechanisms in place - this time it seemed there were just too many things at once to cope with so I had a meltdown. To use this as an excuse is not acceptable - taking responsibility for myself is. I know I need to write more to share what it is like to exist in a surreal world that one should not be in to begin with. Time to step out of that Dali painting and get back to what matters. I have to do that today - there are no more excuses I don't have any to make. And to those who read this - I'm glad you have. And I'm glad I've been honest with myself and recognised something I should have stopped many months back. Instead I allowed it to get the better of me and my life. Not again - because I won't allow it to happen.

13 comments:

  1. I get where you're coming from Liz, I thought it was just me, I never realised until now that aspies have cycles they go through, it's kind of a lightbulb moment for me reading that. Certainly explains alot from my end.

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  2. Hey Amy

    Exactly that. Cycles of total wierdness triggered off by something to with emotional crisis or something beyond one's control. I've had both of those plus stuff I've brought upon myself. Michell has Autistic cycles every few months. They used to last six plus weeks. Not so long now. But it doesn't help having a mother doing the same thing either. I have had to force myself this morning to bring myself to account for this. I hate it!

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  3. Thanks, Liz, that makes it so crystal clear as to where my Feral Beast goes when he goes off on a tangent. Doesn't happen too often these days now that he's homeschooled and the anxiety is much lowered but he still has his moments.

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  4. Hi Jayne

    I'm glad I was able to share it. I left the create post sitting there on the browser for a day then wrote this post this morning so the date is 24 hours out from what I said in my post. This morning really was a realisation of what was really going on with myself.Thanks for sharing too.

    Hugs to you and the family
    Liz

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  5. Liz, don't be so hard on yourself. A lot of stress is hard on anyone. Pulling in the reins is good but, do be kind to yourself!

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  6. Hi Patricia

    Oh I'm being kind to myself as much as I can. I'm not beating myself up just recognising that I had to snap out of it or I'd go over the edge. My girls don't need their Mum going off the rails. So I'm climbing back on and sorting myself out.

    Thanks for caring. Hope you're well

    Love and hugs
    Liz

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  7. No need for apologies, Liz. I've known you since 1979, 30 years nearly. I just took it that night that you were busy (and I was right). Don't sweat the small stuff (not that I'm small, exactly ...)

    Just take care of yourself as best as you can.

    I'm still around (dashing around like a headless chook these days, but around.) Ya know where t' find me.

    Lisa

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  8. Hey Lisa,

    Thanks for the great talk last night. I love you heaps and thanks so much for being there for me.

    Love ya
    Liz

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  9. Liz
    you have so much to say
    and so much that you are
    just be
    that's all you have to do
    ps your drawing talent is amazing
    and I wish I had daughters like yours
    xx

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  10. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience with us. You give such an interesting insight to your struggles with this. And it is amazing what you all still do. You are an inspiration. Take Care.

    Jennifer

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  11. Hi guys

    @ Twisted Sister Awww thank you. You've made me smile. Hugs

    @ Jennifer Thanks for that Jennifer. I'm glad I was able to share.
    Hugs to you

    Thanks guys

    Love and hugs Liz.

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  12. Liz, I so get this. Yesterday was Mums anniversary and I realised I was living part of my life on hold still. Down cycles are so hard. I am taking small steps to improve things but I still keep looking over my shoulder waiting for the next bad thing. One day at a time and looking forward not back is now my focus. Hugs for your Mum and the girls and a great big hug for you!

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  13. Oh Hi there Lorain

    Yes! I realised as well about yesterday being E.'s Anniversary as well. Living one day at a time is the best way to be. We do things we don't even realise we are doing then it hits us full in the face. I've snapper out of it mostly thank goodness. Mum is still very sick. She's battling so hard to fight off yet another infection. So it's the Doctor again if she doesn't improve. Smile there too. Loads of hugs to you back

    Love you heaps
    Liz

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